Many times clients come into our coaching sessions feeling hurt, discouraged, frustrated and upset. They are working harder than ever without any of the benefits they thought working hard would bring them. Promotions seem to glide beyond the horizon, bonuses shrink, workload increases and growth opportunities evaporate. Layoffs come with no notice.
It’s beyond “hurt feelings” or “bruised egos” - it’s a loss of dignity.
When I respond to clients saying “It sounds like you’ve lost your dignity”, I see shoulders drop and breath released with a recognition.
Dignity is the inherent worth and self-respect that every person possesses. Dignity demands we be treated with esteem, kindness, and fairness regardless of circumstances. It encompasses moral integrity, professional bearing, and the fundamental right to respectful, ethical treatment.
We immediately recognise dignity as a fundamental right. One that is frequently missing in professional life. Or maybe in modern life generally.
How we can find dignity in our lives?
We can’t guarantee we’ll find it outside, but we can start by giving ourselves dignity inside.
I don’t mean to toss this onto the pile of things you are individually responsible for managing. Another “you need to improve” project.
However, dignity and respect is an inside job that radiates to the outside with real impact.
The old adage that “You teach people how to treat you” holds true.
Often, we’re afraid to speak up for ourselves (or others) because the cost may be too high. We might get negative feedback or get on the wrong side of someone important. We might lose a relationship or opportunity.
And it’s true. Those may be outcomes of having self-respect. But, you could sacrifice your dignity and get laid off anyway. Many have.
Additionally, losing your dignity has compounding costs.
Like interest on a loan, we go into a self-imposed debt. We lose our self respect, then we lose confidence, then we continue to lose power, and we start to feel loss of direction or purpose.
Finally, we question if we’re even worth anything at all?
It’s time to stop unraveling in a downward spiral.
I ask you to start to rebuild dignity by asking yourself one question.
What am I tolerating?
This little question brings clarity to a whole bunch not stuff that’s been swept under the rug sometimes for years. We compromise and refrain from speaking up, and take it and take it and tolerate and keep chugging on without ever stopping to say “No”. Or “This doesn’t work”. Or even “Let me think about it.”
In addition, we don’t ever associate how our energy is drained with each of those compromises or unspoken responses.
Don’t beat yourself up over compromises or any tolerating you’ve done in the past. The world is full of moments when compromise is the best outcome. This is about cleaning house and reconsidering where you’ve gone too far.
So, take a sheet of paper, and take inventory.
What are you tolerating?
- What’s a limit or boundary I have allowed to be crossed?
- What’s something that’s not okay but I allow to continue?
- Are there agreements I’ve made that compromise my dignity?
- Are there things I’ve put up with for too long?
- What is long overdue for re-negotiation?
- What needs upgrading or repair?
You are worthy of kindness and fairness regardless of circumstances. You should be treated with moral integrity, and have a fundamental right to respectful, ethical treatment. You are worth consideration and care. Suffering doesn’t give you bonus points. Yes, I know the world isn’t fair and you may not (or may have never) been treated with kindness or fairness. But that doesn’t mean it’s okay.
Or start here.
If the idea of speaking up or renegotiating with others is too overwhelming, just start with building a base of stability and worth in yourself. Starting by honouring your own boundaries when its in your control. Speaking with self-care and self-compassion. Giving yourself a moment to process what might be useful or supportive (even if it isn’t available right now).
- Do I know my own limits and capacity?
- Do I respect my own limits and capacity?
- What would respecting myself look like?
- How do I speak to myself especially in regard to my own needs?
By starting this conversation with yourself, you become more conscious in your day to day about what decisions and agreements you are making. Over time you might see that you demand (and receive) better treatment for yourself and in doing so, become an example for others to expect better as well. Additionally, you build confidence not only to expect dignity for yourself but to expect others to be treated with dignity as well. This is a ripple that moves outward from you into the world around you.
The fact that dignity isn’t happening in our world isn’t going to build to a better future for any of us. We need to shine a light on this basic right. And it’s time for us to rebuild dignity in our lives, in our communities and workplaces.
You can start to clean up your corner of the street. Give yourself some of your own life back. By doing so, you’ll automatically extend dignity to others. Start slowly, start with gentle kindness to yourself, but start.
